To fatty 01-08-2011

Whenever people ask me to make a decision, I hesitate and start doubting myself. But minutes, hours and a thousand words ago I tried my best to make this person leave. I'm so mad that I'm stamping on the floor, jumping up and down while the tears are all over my face. With all my strength and body I try to push him away punch him till he actually leaves. It's like a rock I can't seem to move, only this one talks back and ask me questions. "Do you really want me to leave?"
Deep inside I wanna scream no, with my head filled with thousands of pictures and memories of us being together. All the happy thoughts are being followed with many not so happy memories and whenever his voice speaks again, my head is only filled with bad thoughts. There are millions of them, every word he said that hurt, every assumption he liked to call it and every lie he has ever told me. Detailed of course.

I'm scared to confront him, to be nice to him and to commit. What I put in, will never be rewarded and never answer mistakes with compassion. It's easier to get mad, to sum up a whole list of mistakes, every detail of what he did wrong and what that did to my feelings every second, times ten, that's how I felt. I didn't just got mad, I wasn't just hurt, I was disappointed too, discovered murder me and lost feelings. Partially true, other half is just a lot of bullshit to not be the loser who is afraid to leave. Loser? Positive.

Where you seemed to be the centre of my relationship with you, was really about me. Yes sure, I wanted you to change so much and so badly. The fact is, you changed me with you and I don't like the new me. Every time when I got so frustrated that it took you so long to change yourself and you claimed to changed, you didn't seem to understand. Every time we fought about it, it was like I was looking at us as a third person. Sometimes it was hard to resist to notice my own voice and secretly I took notes, put a bit more sound in "what's wrong with you?!". Listening to yourself repeating things over and over is boring, repeating it to deaf ears is even more boring.
I knew things were never gonna change, because every day I was a witness watching myself change more and more into someone I wouldn't exactly want to be friends with. And every day I didn't like myself, was another proof of you not being able to change.

Satisfaction, trust, love, loyalty and happiness were my keywords for a relationship. Who needs anything else, as long you got what makes you happy the most, at the time? As long as I'm happy now, is what counts. Every small thing needs to be counted, a relationship is a score board. I find myself really scary, when I'm calculating my profit margin when I'm talking to you. I find myself scary because I wonder when I turned into this money obsessed person, where money and promises measures someone's love. But what else can you have left, what else is supposed to be prove or reward for all the hard working? Why else should I invest in an already doomed relationship?
I can't tell whether its women's intuition or simply doubts, but whenever were together I don't see us together forever. Every time you talk about kids I let myself dream about it with you, but then I just smile, one that isn't hiding anything. A true smile is mysterious, and not one that sounds. I'm so scared to love again that whenever someone is into me, I need to remind him that its just temporarily. I know because I feel safe and free as long no one is stopping me from burning every thought. All men are the same, disappointments and lies. Many times I wondered why this pain never goes away and just know when I let you walk away I found the answer.

My fear scared every guy away. When I met you I let myself get hurt, promised myself that it would never happen again. So hard I've been fighting fairy tales, been trying to destroy everything I could. I told myself that if you would change back I would love you again, while I was just lying. People only change when they lose someone they cared about the most, so in order to make you change, I have to let you go. Out of sight, out of heart, that applies on me.

Acting like a tough girl, pretending that I hate love so much that I would never let me feel anything again. I always thought I didn't like you enough, it was always about an agreement. What could you offer me that was good enough for us to be still interesting? It was fine, you just kept hanging up and walking away, what a guts was always what I was thinking. Jerk numero..lost count. But nevertheless, I couldn't resist not picking up because I missed you. Too bad you never called me back when I raged, just made me hate you more.

What is hate? I always thought it was a feeling of wanna murder someone, combined with a lot of stress and tears. I tried to make you listen, I tried to make you talk back, I raged, cried, yelled and even said things that are so pathetic to say out loud. But you forced me, doesn't matter it still didn't work. At the moment I'm desperate, thought I was cool enough to keep my head straight, to not fall in love and to not care. You did it all wrong, you changed, so did I, but only after you'd changed. You need to make up to me, for the rest of your life, because I will end up fine, alone or with a loaded guy. I wish it was true, I wish anyone could be with someone without feeling anything at all, I wish I was as cool as my words, I wish I could stay as calm as when I told you to leave. But I failed myself, because I couldn't. When you left, I cried and I can't stop crying, loser.