Missing you

You know that feeling, that you’re so scared to forget things? This feeling is hard to explain, but just ten minutes ago it hit me. It’s so scary and confusing, but I’m suddenly so scared to forget his face or even his voice, what if I won’t remember what he smells like? And this is exactly the same moment where I wanna punch myself, why didn’t I take notes? Why didn’t I tape his voice or capture his face? Maybe I should have stolen some boxershorts, just to make sure I will never forget him?

I wish memories would work like that. I wish we could decide whenever we want to capture the moment. That’s the bad thing about being human I guess, once we enjoy something we completely forgot the rainy days of yesterday. I always thought we would make it through everything, I always thought you were the only one who could give me ‘forever’. I wish I wanted to make you stay, but instead I just want you out, as soon as possible. Every minute you’re still around, makes me wanna cry more, it makes me wanna grab my chest and pull it out completely. Not because I’m so scared to forget our sunny days, I’m scared this is the end.

Since I met you, you’ve been taken me for a ride. I should have told you before I’m not good with rollercoasters. It has been a great adventure, you made me do a lot of things I never thought I would do again. You made me feel a lot of emotions, I thought I would never allow anyone to create again. It was like yesterday, that I was texting whoever wanting to hear, I’m in love and oh so happy! But look at me now, not a pretty picture. I can’t stop myself from feeling what I feel, at the same time I’m wondering why. Why do I wanna cry so badly, is it because of you, us or the memories?

I just know we had many talks before, we spoke for nights and we agreed on everything. But for some reason we lost each other halfway the ride, you thought I said on, while I meant off. There are many reasons why we never worked out, but there were just as many reasons for us to keep on trying. Today I only have one to leave, I’m so exhausted. Wondering why this love adventure turned into a battlefield, why we both love each other but can’t work things out anymore.

If only we would sit around the table and talk about it, if only one of us could be the one trying to understand and adjust, if only we could pretend nothing happened, if only we were back at the same point a year ago, it would actually work. I lost my hope, I lost the confident that I can make anything work, because I can’t. There’s my white flag, I admit defeat, please drag me out of here, it’s smelly. Time won’t heal anything, love won’t last forever, but your promise could have. I just wish you would ever keep your damn word, if you would live up to every word you say like it’s the last word every day again. The thing that bothers me the most is that I will never know if you were ever honest to me, if you ever really saw things the same way I did. If you would acted different if I was close to dying whenever you made those promises. We only needed one change, that one change would have changed everything.

I’m disappointed in myself and in you, making the mistake thinking that love is bigger than anything. Why you never were willing to see the smallest things, is a big mystery to me. It’s not so hard to turn things around and put it into a personal situation to make yourself understand. I will miss you when I wake up tomorrow and you’re not there, but not having anything to say to you while I miss you while you’re there, hurts even more. I miss all those moments we had, I’m longing to our never born babies. It hurts because I want to be with you so badly, but I can’t be without you hurting me even more.

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Why

Every time we fought about this same topic again, he told me he understood and was going to change.
So every time he did the same thing over and over again, I wondered why he always said he understood but never really changed. I just assumed that he is a liar, not keeping his word.
Then I thought about whether he forgot what he promised or whether he simply didn’t feel the need to keep his word. In other words, I always thought he had no sense of responsibility. The word promise didn’t mean a thing to him, it was just a way, more likely his way of making me shut up, his way of making me stay whenever he got desperate to stop me from leaving.
I always thought I knew him, that I knew his way of thinking, I actually thought I understood him completely until tonight. To be honest I don’t think I know him at all, I don’t know how he thinks, I don’t even know whether he is speaking the truth.
Maybe it’s called womens intuition, maybe it’s just being too suspicious, but I swear I can feel it when he is lying to me. I hate to think about it, I hate to accuse him of lying, not because I’m scared he’s lying to me. I’m mostly scared to be right again, to see him never changing or correcting his mistakes, but mostly because I know he will never admit it he’s lying.

Before this week I always had the constant feeling that he’s changing constantly, that he is scared of me and never would say anything to hurt me. This week I actually found out he’s the opposite of who I think he is. He is not scared or insecure, nor is he scared to hurt me. Maybe I pushed him too much this time, maybe someone actually listened to my wish. Why did I always want him to explode? I always thought he was weak and too scared to stand up for himself. It was just so annoying to sit there trying to pull things out of him, or even trying to get him to be mad, because the silence in fights was killing me. But now when he actually stood up for himself, I was shocked and it hit me pretty hard. At one side I was glad to see him being different, finally standing up for himself, finally telling me to sit down and shut up. But at the other side it felt a bit scary, like he was going to eat me alive and I was losing control. Turns out I really lost control, because that night I cried my eyes out and I noticed that it was harder to deal with then I thought. But aren’t girls always like that? Complaining till we get what we asked for, then cry for him changing so much because we like the old version maybe I bit more after all.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I spent so much time talking about things with him, that I always thought we would talk things out in the end. I feel slightly stupid for being so blind all these months. It was only me thinking that he actually listened, that he really understood what the problem was. When he was doing the same thing again tonight, I felt I was gonna explode. My first thought was screaming in his face, he wasted all my time! He was sitting there every month again telling me he understood, telling me he is going to change and it will never happen again. But tonight he had the guts to not let me speak!!! He even said that he didn’t see what the problem was. The only thing I thought was, oh my god, did I really waste my time on this guy? Did I really think for almost a year that we were on the same level emotionally? How could I ever think that he understood what I hated, how could I even think for a second that he was going to change?
Every time when I was waiting for him to change, was like waiting for the train that would never arrive. He never understood and all his answers made it really clear.

Yet, he still thinks I’m talking about money, why is it so hard to explain things to people? Why is it so hard to make people understand what you’re thinking?
I have a problem with him never keeping his word, but he doesn’t see the point because he always decides for me. It’s like he thinks that it doesn’t matter what you promise, like it’s just a formality, because as long as he thinks he’s superman who can fix it all, we all should understand his good gesture. Fuck that big time!
Sometimes I wonder if it’s me being so crazy and scary that it is hard to listen to me or to understand me. Maybe I had too much patience before, because at the moment I really don’t care anymore. My principles are quite simple actually, I get mad easily but in relationships I always find a way to forgive unless it’s so unforgiveable because my heart and proud were too hurt. I simply asked for understanding, I simply asked for understanding, I simply asked for trust. How hard can it be to not make false promises, how hard can it be to always be honest, how hard can it be to understand that trust and understanding is way more important then not disappointing. Why is it so hard to understand that everything is a choice and that every small lie will be found out and that no good intention can ever be bigger than hiding the truth?

I just wish people would actually stop saying they understand, when they don’t. I wish people would understand the meaning of principles. I have the biggest liar in my family, all I wanted was an honest person around me to remind me that there are still honest people, people you can rely on because they will never make you lose reality. How could I ever be so stupid to even think that he understood. Maybe it was the way he pretended to be, maybe I was the one who misunderstood the relationship in the first place, or maybe I still have too much hope and expectations? Why is it so hard to make people understand some simple principles? Why does it feel like a joke, like everything was meant to be this way but I had to find out the hard way.
I always thought were the same in many ways. He likes being at home to talk to me, he never gets bored of spending time with me (even when we don’t do anything), he is willing to give everything for someone he loves, giving up everything for someone. I always thought he was perfect, even though I’m still heart broken and could never do the same equally, I felt I understood how he feels, how much he cares about me. I see myself in him, being there before, being scared to give the same he does now, but admiring his courage to do the same. I thought he would take care of me, we could talk about everything and forever, he was simple, selfless and just way too good for me. I know how much you have to like someone, to be able to give and put so much into someone, without getting anything in return. The only problem is that we never really seemed to understand each other at all, it was just a presumption.
Note to myself: - if it’s really so hard to explain things, if it feels wrong for even a second, if you ever consider marrying someone, please think again - I’m not even hard to get, I’m just bad at pretending and lying to myself.

I’m mostly disappointed in myself because I thought I understood him, because I thought he was the person that was on the same level with the same morals and principles. I’m still surprised that I thought he was changing but couldn’t stop lying, in reality he is just stubborn and a different type of person.
Clearly, even though we both speak the same language, but it seems like it should have been my mother language to make him truly understand me.

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